Merry Christmas Quotes Funny: 50 Jokes from Comedians, Movies and Cards

Funny Merry Christmas quotes are for cards, group chats, office parties and captions under a holiday photo. This list has 50. The first 24 come from comedians and humor writers such as Dave Barry, Erma Bombeck, Phyllis Diller and Jerry Seinfeld. Then come 10 lines from Christmas movies and TV, followed by funny sayings about food, gifts and family, and short lines for cards.

Quick picks: the family card line is the last one in the card wishes section. For coworkers, use the office party line from Julius Sharpe. For a movie fan, use the Home Alone 2 line.

Funny Christmas quotes from comedians

• "Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year." (Victor Borge)
• "The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." (George Carlin)
• "I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin." (Winston Spear)
• "Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight: you say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income, and flies to cities in a cab pulled by flying reindeer?" (Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld)
• "I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange." (Henny Youngman)
• "Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." (Johnny Carson, The Tonight Show)
• "Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered." (Phyllis Diller)
• "The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for 20 minutes." (Julius Sharpe)

Funny Christmas quotes from writers and humorists

• "A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together." (Garrison Keillor, Leaving Home)
• "Christmas is a baby shower that went totally out of hand." (Andy Borowitz)
• "My husband's idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge." (Melanie White)
• "Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." (Dave Barry)
• "Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall." (Larry Wilde, The Merry Book of Christmas Humor)
• "Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major household purchases." (Bridger Winegar)
• "There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus." (Bob Phillips, The World's Greatest Collection of Clean Jokes)
• "There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child." (Erma Bombeck)
• "Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they're worth the price of a stamp." (Melanie White)
• "One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day. Don't clean it up too quickly." (Andy Rooney, 60 Minutes)
• "A Christmas tree is the only thing that looks good with all its underwear showing." (Dolly Parton)
• "The wrapping paper was so pretty that it seemed almost a shame to rip it open, but then again, greed is greed." (David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice)
• "Christmas: Here again, whether you want it or not." (Garrison Keillor)
• "Christmas is a state of mind, and that state is pure exhaustion." (Joyce Grenfell)
• "Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help." (Andy Borowitz)
• "Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries Not Included." (Erma Bombeck)

Funny Christmas quotes from movies and TV

• "The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear." (Buddy the Elf, Elf, 2003)
• "We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup." (Buddy the Elf, Elf, 2003)
• "I planned out our whole day: First, we'll make snow angels for two hours, then we'll go ice skating, then we'll eat a whole roll of Toll House cookie dough as fast as we can, and then we'll snuggle." (Buddy the Elf, Elf, 2003)
• "Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together!" (Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, 1989)
• "Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?" (Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, 1989)
• "Look, Charlie, let's face it. We all know that Christmas is a big commercial racket. It's run by a big eastern syndicate, you know." (Lucy Van Pelt, A Charlie Brown Christmas, 1965)
• "What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store? What if Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!" (The Grinch, How the Grinch Stole Christmas!)
• "Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely!" (The Grinch, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, 2000)
• "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!" (Santa Claus, A Christmas Story, 1983)
• "Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal... and a Happy New Year." (Gangster Johnny, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, 1992)

Funny Christmas sayings about food, gifts and family

• "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I'll drink the red."
• Christmas calories don't count until January 2nd. It's a proven scientific fact.
• A Christmas rule: If you eat holiday cookies standing up by the kitchen counter, your body converts them directly into Christmas spirit, zero calories.
• My favorite winter sport is watching people untangle Christmas tree lights without losing their minds.
• Nothing says holiday spirit like drinking eggnog and pretending to understand your uncle's political conspiracy theories.
• Christmas is the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of a sock.
• Christmas is coming. Better start practicing your 'Oh wow, socks, exactly what I wanted!' face.
• Mentally, I have already unwrapped all my gifts, eaten all the cookies, and taken a five-hour nap.
• I like my Christmas lights how I like my relatives: tangled, loud, and blinking erratically.
• Christmas shopping is 10% buying gifts for other people and 90% buying things for yourself that are on sale.

Funny Christmas captions and card wishes

• Santa saw your Instagram photos. You're getting a dictionary and clothes for Christmas.
• I'm only a morning person on December 25th.
• Dear Santa, I've been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Never mind, I'll buy my own stuff.
• It's all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list.
• Don't get your tinsel in a tangle.
• May your family be functional and your Christmas cocktails be strong.

Which funny Christmas quote to use

How to use these funny Merry Christmas quotes

Match the joke to the reader. Family jokes fit a group chat, office lines fit a team card, and movie lines fit a caption under a movie night photo. Keep the comedian or movie name next to a famous line.

For warmer lines, read our Merry Christmas quotes for family and Christmas Eve quotes. For a funny gift, browse our Christmas embroidered gifts.

Frequently asked questions

How do you wish someone a Merry Christmas in a funny way?

Use a short joke with a wish inside it, such as "May your family be functional and your Christmas cocktails be strong."

What is a funny Christmas quote from a movie?

"Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal... and a Happy New Year," said by Gangster Johnny in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992).

What is a funny Christmas quote for coworkers?

Try this line from Julius Sharpe. "The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for 20 minutes."

What is a short funny Christmas caption?

"Don't get your tinsel in a tangle" and "I'm only a morning person on December 25th" both fit under a photo.

Who said "Three phrases that sum up Christmas"?

Erma Bombeck: "Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries Not Included."