Funny Quotes Short: 50 One-Liners for Captions, Bios and Texts

Funny quotes short enough for a caption, a bio or a text fit on one line. This list has 50. The first 12 come from writers and wits such as Oscar Wilde, Groucho Marx, Mark Twain and Douglas Adams.

Next come 20 lines from comedians and TV, including Steven Wright, Henny Youngman, Robin Williams and Michael Scott of The Office. The last 18 are very short funny quotes about life, food and money.

Quick picks: for a bio, use Steven Wright's "I intend to live forever. So far, so good." For work, use the Douglas Adams line about deadlines. For a caption, use the lunge and crunch joke.

Short funny quotes from famous writers

• "I can resist everything except temptation." (Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan)
• "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member." (Groucho Marx)
• "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." (Oscar Wilde)
• "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." (Maurice Switzer, Mrs. Goose: Her Book)
• "If I were two-faced, would I be showing you this one?" (Abraham Lincoln)
• "Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else." (Will Rogers)
• "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." (Charles Lamb)
• "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." (Groucho Marx)
• "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well." (Mark Twain)
• "I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." (Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt)
• "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." (Miles Kington)
• "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." (Bob Hope)

Short funny quotes from comedians and TV

• "The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets." (Al McGuire)
• "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." (Jim Carrey)
• "I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." (Tommy Cooper)
• "I intend to live forever. So far, so good." (Steven Wright)
• "I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places." (Henny Youngman)
• "If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments." (Flip Wilson)
• "I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious." (Michael Scott, The Office)
• "A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." (Steve Martin)
• "Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth." (Mallory Hopkins)
• "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" (Edgar Bergen)
• "I am an early bird and a night owl. So I am wise and I have worms." (Michael Scott, The Office)
• "Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you're finished." (Leslie Nielsen)
• "If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you." (Steven Wright)
• "I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness." (Emo Philips)
• "I can handle pain until it hurts." (Homer Simpson, The Simpsons)
• "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." (Winnie-the-Pooh)
• "Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?" (Robin Williams)
• "Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer." (Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously... I'm Kidding)
• "Behind every successful person is a substantial amount of coffee." (Stephanie Piro)
• "Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes." (Bob Thaves, Frank and Ernest)

Very short funny quotes about life

• I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
• There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
• My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
• I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
• I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
• My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
• I'm not lazy, I'm just on energy-saving mode.
• I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
• My bank account is just a constant reminder that I like to buy things.
• Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Crazy funny quotes about food, money and bad luck

• My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.
• I told my suitcase there will be no vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because your body and your fat have become great friends.
• My wallet is like an onion: opening it makes me cry.
• I don't need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
• I'm not clumsy, it's just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.
• You're not completely useless; you can always serve as a bad example.

Which short funny quote to use

How to use these short funny quotes

Lines under 12 words fit an Instagram bio or a phone lock screen. Longer jokes fit a group chat. Keep the comedian's name next to a famous line.

For more jokes, read our Friday funny quotes and New Year quotes funny lists. For a shirt with a one-liner on it, browse our dark humor collection.

Frequently asked questions

What is a short funny quote?

Oscar Wilde's "I can resist everything except temptation" is six words long.

What is a very short funny quote about life?

"Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth," by Mallory Hopkins.

What is a funny one-liner for a bio?

Steven Wright: "I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

What is a short funny quote about work?

Edgar Bergen: "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?"

What is a short funny quote from The Office?

Michael Scott: "I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."