Funny New Year quotes are for the group chat, a midnight toast or a caption under the party photo. This list has 50. The first 13 come from writers and comedians such as Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, Jay Leno and Mindy Kaling.
The rest are funny lines about resolutions, staying up until midnight, drinking, the gym and social media. New Year's Eve 2026 falls on Thursday, December 31.
Quick picks: for a card, use the Joey Adams line about troubles and resolutions. For a toast, use the line about stock photos and salad. For a caption, use "Page 1 of 365: I already spilled something on my shirt."
Funny New Year quotes from writers and comedians
- "New Year's Day is every man's birthday." (Charles Lamb, Essays of Elia)
- "Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." (Mark Twain)
- "New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time." (Aleister Crowley)
- "Good resolutions are simply cheques that men draw on a bank where they have no account." (Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray)
- "New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintances be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive." (Jay Leno, The Tonight Show)
- "First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you." (F. Scott Fitzgerald)
- "May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions." (Joey Adams)
- "Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to." (Bill Vaughan)
- "An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old one leaves." (Bill Vaughan)
- "He who breaks a resolution is a weakling; he who makes one is a fool." (F.M. Knowles, A Cheerful Year Book)
- "I'm going to stay up late on New Year's Eve—not to welcome the new year, but to make sure the old one leaves." (Bill Murray)
- "My New Year's resolution was to drop 10 pounds. Only 15 to go!" (Melanie White)
- "Every New Year I evaluate my life and decide to continue being fabulous." (Mindy Kaling)
Funny New Year's resolution quotes
- Many people look forward to the new year for a new start on old habits.
- My resolution was to stop lying to myself about going to the gym. Resolution achieved.
- A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
- I don't need a New Year's resolution. I'm already a masterpiece under constant construction.
- I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
- I can't believe it's been a whole year since I didn't become a better person.
- New year, same me. Because frankly, I'm fantastic and don't need any updates.
- Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right, or at least fail in brand new ways.
- Happy New Year! Let's make mistakes, but at least make new and interesting ones.
- I'm not saying I'm lazy, but my New Year's resolution was to write a resolution and I'm still working on the outline.
Funny New Year's Eve quotes about staying up late
- So excited for 9:00 PM on New Year's Eve when I can finally start complaining about being tired.
- A new year won't change your life if you're still doing laundry at 11:58 PM on December 31st.
- Happy New Year! May you find the strength to stay awake until midnight without nodding off on the couch.
- My favorite New Year's tradition is going to sleep before the fireworks wake up the entire neighborhood.
- I plan on spending the first day of the New Year recovering from staying up two hours past my bedtime.
- 3... 2... 1... Happy New Year! Now nobody look at me until noon tomorrow.
- Here's to another year of secretly hoping someone cancels plans so we can stay home.
Funny New Year toasts about drinking
- New Year's Eve is the night when your liver prepares for an early retirement.
- My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half full with rum, vodka, or whiskey.
- May your resolutions last longer than your hangover on January 1st.
- New Year's Eve is amateur night for drinkers. The pros are at home watching movies in their pajamas.
- New Year's Eve: the only holiday where pouring cheap sparkling wine down your throat at midnight feels sophisticated.
- May your hangover tomorrow be mild and your delivery driver arrive early with fries.
Funny New Year quotes about the gym, diets and money
- Every January, thousands of gym memberships are purchased only to be lovingly ignored by February.
- The only exercise I plan on doing this January is running out of patience and jumping to conclusions.
- My resolution is to stop eating carbs after 8:00 PM, starting at 12:01 AM with a large pizza.
- Let's toast to having 365 days of making questionable financial decisions on Amazon.
- My bank account after the holidays is currently asking for thoughts and prayers.
Sarcastic New Year quotes and captions
- I love when people say 'New year, new me!' as if their personality expires at midnight like Cinderella's carriage.
- My New Year's resolution is 1080p, maybe 4K if I feel ambitious.
- Dear 2026: I didn't read the terms and conditions, but I'd like to cancel my subscription anyway.
- May your coffee be stronger than your toddler's urge to wake up at 5:00 AM on January 1st.
- May your new year be as drama-free as you pretend to be on Facebook.
- Wishing you 12 months of success, 52 weeks of laughter, and 365 days of ignoring spam calls.
- Page 1 of 365: I already spilled something on my shirt.
- Here's to hoping our New Year looks nothing like our browser search history.
- Cheers to the New Year! May we all be as happy as people in stock photos eating salad.
Which funny New Year quote to use
| Where you will use it | Quote to try |
|---|---|
| Card for a friend | "May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions." (Joey Adams) |
| Toast at midnight | Cheers to the New Year! May we all be as happy as people in stock photos eating salad. |
| Text to parents of small kids | May your coffee be stronger than your toddler's urge to wake up at 5:00 AM on January 1st. |
| Gym buddy | Every January, thousands of gym memberships are purchased only to be lovingly ignored by February. |
| Instagram caption on January 1 | Page 1 of 365: I already spilled something on my shirt. |
| Friend who goes to bed early | "Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to." (Bill Vaughan) |
How to use these funny New Year quotes
Pick the joke for the reader. Resolution jokes fit coworkers, early bedtime lines fit parents, and drinking toasts fit the party crowd. Keep the author's name next to a famous line.
For warmer lines, read our New Year quotes for family and funny Merry Christmas quotes. For a funny gift, browse our best sellers.
Frequently asked questions
What is a funny New Year quote?
Joey Adams: "May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions."
What is a funny New Year's resolution quote?
Oscar Wilde: "Good resolutions are simply cheques that men draw on a bank where they have no account."
What is a short funny New Year caption?
"Page 1 of 365: I already spilled something on my shirt."
What is a funny New Year toast?
"May your hangover tomorrow be mild and your delivery driver arrive early with fries."
What did Mark Twain say about New Year's resolutions?
"Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."
What day is New Year's Eve 2026?
Thursday, December 31, 2026. New Year's Day 2027 is Friday, January 1.
